You may not realise it but when your partner started to “go off” you, it was probably more about them than about you.
All psychologists and psychiatrists know that it is not uncommon for people with low self esteem to stop being attracted to those attracted to them, simply because they feel that if a person likes them, there must be something WRONG with that person!
And insecure people cannot deal with other people’s faults nearly the same as secure people. Very unfair that your attraction for them is seen as a fault, but sadly it happens a lot.
As it is the unconscious mind that governs our moods and behaviour all this can manifest itself without the person even knowing themselves what is going on. So before you get depressed thinking it is all because of something you did, think again. It could well be them.
If you think this is a possibility that relates to your relationship, then the key is to back off a little. Don’t exactly play hard to get, but don’t smother your partner or ex, behave as though you don’t mind what they do, either way.
There is a lot of information out there on the internet about how to stop a breakup, but a lot of it is written by people who don’t have many credentials. The information is just their opinion.
But one man who knows exactly how you can stop a breakup is a man Phil and I turned to when we were desperate for help in stopping our breakup. His book on how to do it and has helped couples all over the world stay together, and I will keep you posted just as soon as we have the full details. Watch this space!
Research has shown that women are attracted to men who wear red. They find men in red more powerful, attractive and sexually desirable than men wearing other colors, according to a new study by the University of Rochester.
So fellas, if you don’t want to lose your woman, you need to wear red. A university professor says so!
“We found that women view men in red as higher in status, more likely to make money and more likely to climb the social ladder,” says lead researcher Andrew Elliot, professor of psychology at the University of Rochester, in a university news release. “It is this high status judgment that leads to the attraction.”
You may think it’s because women think of guys wearing red as passionate or sensitive, but in fact it is because the color made men appear attractive and powerful, but it had no effect on whether a man was likable, kind or sociable.
The study was conducted on undergraduate men and women in the United States, the UK, China and Germany, and it was found that the “red effect” is consistent across cultures. This leads Elliot to believe the results to be biological in nature, and not culturally ingrained.
In the study, women were shown a series of photos of men in different colored tees and were asked about their interest in dating, kissing and more with the men in the pictures. No trend was found with any other color.
But then the guy who did the experiment does seem to have a fascination with the color red. He found in 2007 that red could impair the ability to perform competitively, and in 2008 that women in red were more attractive to men.
Well in theory he should be attracted to this blog then, shouldn’t he?
Sometimes human beings would rather be right, than be happy.
Without even knowing we are doing it, we are searching for the opportunity to say “See? I told you so!” or “You wouldn’t listen to me, would you?”
We are viewing the whole relationship as if it were a battlefield. We are working against each other, when we should be on the same side.
The other day, I asked Phil if he would help me with some gardening. My back was hurting and Phil had told me he would do it, and that I should do some writing, but it was a lovely day and I really wanted to clear the overgrown weeds that made up our mini jungle over the last couple of months.
Before our “shake-up” as I call it, Phil (or I, in the same position) would have sulked(!) and pointed out that it was inevitable I would hurt my back, and said one or both of those statements above.
But this time he just hugged me, rubbed my shoulders and took over the gardening without another word.
It was pointed out to us during our therapy that we often argue just for the sake of arguing, and that we need to recognize how to prevent arguments, even the little (seemingly harmless) trivial ones. No matter how tempting it is to point out to your partner that they are wrong and you are right, assess whether it will have a peaceful outcome. It rarely does!
I have to say Phil has remembered all this stuff a lot better than I have. I notice tons of these subtle differences all the time. Quite often when he could easily point out how I’m wrong and he’s right, he doesn’t bother. When it’s the other way round, I find myself starting to say something, then stopping myself mid-sentence, and Phil will wink at me knowingly!
We have both now been trained to ask ourselves “What will the outcome of my actions (or words) be?”
It’s a lot easier to settle for being happy than being right. So swallow your pride and give it a try!
One amazingly powerful way to stop a breakup is when you focus all your energy on something other than your relationship, and your partner lives through it with you. When was the last time you were really challenged? I don’t mean in a discussion or argument, but in a real adventure or upheaval in your life.
Perhaps it was a sporting event that you had to put all your physical and mental energy into. How about training for running a marathon? Because it is something constructive, your partner would have to be incredibly selfish if they did not support you in something like this.
Perhaps you suffered in some way, and fought to get out of a bad situation. I will never look at adversity as bad luck ever again. Why? Because something happened to us that we thought was one of the cruelest blows of bad luck imaginable. We never would have believed we could survive it and even one day be thankful that it had happened. But we did.
When adversity hits, don’t crumble under the pressure. Think of it as your turn to be tested and an opportunity to prove you can come through it. If you and your partner go through the bad times together and support each other, your bond will grow stronger than ever, because you will learn things about yourselves and each other that you never imagined were possible.
Too many couples are in danger of breaking up because they simply do not get enough sleep. Tired people have less patience, snap more easily and are less able to be reasonable during discussions.
But lack of sleep is also ruining what should be one of the most enjoyable activities a couple can share; sex.
It’s a bad idea to always only have sex at the end of a hard days work, yet that’s what is going on with millions of couples. We often go to bed too late, and you know how it is, when you are really tired – it is impossible to get in the mood when you are so tired.
You both need to make the effort to get enough sleep all the time, otherwise here’s what will happen:
If the woman is tired, she’ll go to bed and not be in the mood for sex, so it doesn’t happen, and the man is obviously not happy.
Or the man will be too tired, but he’s still in the mood, so sex will happen, but it’ll be the absolute basics, without foreplay, so the woman is not happy.
So many think that this sort of stuff is not important. But if it happens too often, both partners will resent the other, and also when sex does happen, it will be unfulfilling and a chore. Never let sex become a chore! That’s awful, and can easily lead to infidelity.
So make sure you get enough sleep, so that you’ll not only enjoy sex more, but you’ll enjoy everything more!
If you need to stop a breakup ASAP, you really need to dump the negative vibes even sooner.
Are you the sort of person who says phrases like “knowing my luck” or “that’s typical!” or “as usual” in a sarcastic or despairing tone when conversing with your partner?
In the same way that people would rather be right than be happy, we often have our default setting on the negative. It’s such an ingrained habit of ours to complain, we are totally unaware of how our behavior comes across to other people.
Even little remarks like that add to the mountain of negative comments we make a hundred times a day, and even others will not necessarily know what it is that puts them off us, but put them off us it does!
There is a reason for everything. So instead of just responding to stuff with a defensive knee-jerk reaction, ask yourself what the underlying reason could be.
Rather than look for the negative in life, your partner or whatever, discover the reason and accept it, or deal with it in a positive way.
If you oppose something, do so positively. Check out the difference between the following statements that could be spoken in any relationship:
“You see? This is the thing about you – you always do this! Every time I try to suggest something, you always have to ruin it by saying it’s a bad idea!”
“I understand what you mean honey, maybe it isn’t a practical suggestion for this week, but would you consider it for sometime over the next few weeks? If we do it, and you hate it, you can choose the next thing we do. How about that?”
The second response is not only non-accusatory, it is giving your partner a choice. Once they have a choice, they will feel more involved and be more open to your suggestions in future. Even if they don’t like your idea, they are much more likely to reason with you fairly about it.
So break up with the negative vibes, and not your partner!
Mark Gungor does seminars on how to improve your marriage by using laughter, and he certainly has a gift for comedy. I’ve picked the shortest video from the series, but if you do get chance check out more of his stuff or the full version of this sketch. He is so right – and really funny.