You may not realise it but when your partner started to “go off” you, it was probably more about them than about you.
All psychologists and psychiatrists know that it is not uncommon for people with low self esteem to stop being attracted to those attracted to them, simply because they feel that if a person likes them, there must be something WRONG with that person!
And insecure people cannot deal with other people’s faults nearly the same as secure people. Very unfair that your attraction for them is seen as a fault, but sadly it happens a lot.
As it is the unconscious mind that governs our moods and behaviour all this can manifest itself without the person even knowing themselves what is going on. So before you get depressed thinking it is all because of something you did, think again. It could well be them.
If you think this is a possibility that relates to your relationship, then the key is to back off a little. Don’t exactly play hard to get, but don’t smother your partner or ex, behave as though you don’t mind what they do, either way.
A lot of visitors to this website might be wanting their partner; their boyfriend, girlfriend, husband or wife to change their ways in order to stop a break up from happening. But you are the only one here, not your partner. You cannot change anyone who does not want to change – not directly, at least. But you can change yourself and influence your partner’s behavior through your own behavior.
The first question you need to ask is;” Do I really understand my partner?” We all like to be understood, but how good are we at understanding others? In fact how willing are we to even try to understand our partners?
Your partner won’t necessarily tell you what it is they feel they need from you, because they may not even know themselves. But you have the resources to find out – simply by asking the right questions. The more we know about a person, the more we are able to understand them.
Make a concerted effort to learn about your partner and everything he or she likes. Do not think about what either of you don’t like! That will set off the critical voice in your head and cause more negativity. Just stick to all the positive stuff. Your partner will soon notice you are getting involved with their interests and become more receptive to your wants and needs. Understanding each other makes for a lasting relationship and strengthens your love.
You could have been heading for a breakup for some time without even knowing it. Some people can read between the lines better than others. These people are a lot more perceptive when it comes to friendships and relationships. They pick up on non-verbal cues and can usually often tell when someone is lying.
And yet these people will still often fail to notice when things start to go wrong. As well as the rest of us that can’t see it at all, and feel like we have been hit by a sledgehammer when in fact an imminent breakup was creeping up on us all the time, the perceptive person can still be caught out.
A lot of these perceptive people realize that the signs had been there all along, but had chosen to ignore them. The biggest signs were ‘gut’ feelings that something was wrong. And that’s the key! Our gut feelings are rarely wrong, and instead of ignoring them, we need to take notice before the relationship spirals out of control.
Your partner could be telling you one thing, but behaving a different way. This contradiction is usually a huge sign that all is not well.
Other common signs of an impending breakup are:
Your partner becomes secretive
There is a change in their routine
They want to spend less time with you
They forget important dates
They go out with friends more than you
They don’t express love as often as they used to
They don’t propose within five years of dating
They pick fights over insignificant things
They continue friendships with ex partners
They start to browse dating sites
These clues can often mean the writing’s on the wall, but it does not mean your relationship is definitely doomed. It just means the spark has gone for your partner, but there are ways you can get it back!
You just need to be willing to change your outlook and behavior. So no, a breakup is not inevitable, and you are already in the right place to start to put things right!
Last week I told you we would soon let you know about how Phil and I were able to stop our relationship breakup and stay together. Well, we have now added a page all about it. In the Review page I have written a review of the book our friend T Dub wrote after he helped us stay together when the going was tough.
Well it turns out there are lots of people who want to know how to stop a break up or how to get an ex back, and the book is now a bestseller! And we couldn’t be more delighted for T Dub, because he really knows what he’s talking about.
As you may know we have a newsletter that currently offers a free 7 Day Course for subscribers as soon as they register at StopThatBreakup.com/signup
We send our newsletter using Aweber, which is an ethical company who do everything they can to ensure all subscribers only receive information that they signed up for themselves.
Aweber also make it very easy for subscribers to unsubscribe, should they ever want to stop receiving our emails. All they have to do is click the unsubscribe link at the bottom of any email from us.
However, it seems there is some confusion about the function of the Unsubscribe Link.
Due to unethical marketers who send unsolicited email to people who did not give their consent to receive it (SPAMMERS), there is misleading advice floating around.
Many sources are advising people NEVER to click on an unsubscribe link, as it tells spammers that the email is a live email address, and opens the floodgates for more spam.
However, that advice is only for spammers. At Stop That Breakup, we already know subscribers’ emails are live because they clicked a link to confirm their subscription when they first signed up.
Ethical newsletter publishers such as ourselves, who only send information consented to by subscribers, offer unsubscribe links that really do what they are supposed to.
When you click the unsubscribe link in our emails, you will have the option to change your details or unsubscribe completely. If you unsubscribe, you will not hear from us again, and as we state on our signup page, we do not sell or rent your details to anyone else.
Phil and I want to send you valuable information that you will be pleased to receive. We also want to know what sort of information you would like to receive from us in future and we welcome your comments and suggestions. If you are happy to receive our emails, you might want to add us to your Contacts or Address book, then none of our emails will end up getting filtered out. You can still unsubscribe at any time.
There is a lot of information out there on the internet about how to stop a breakup, but a lot of it is written by people who don’t have many credentials. The information is just their opinion.
But one man who knows exactly how you can stop a breakup is a man Phil and I turned to when we were desperate for help in stopping our breakup. His book on how to do it and has helped couples all over the world stay together, and I will keep you posted just as soon as we have the full details. Watch this space!
Research has shown that women are attracted to men who wear red. They find men in red more powerful, attractive and sexually desirable than men wearing other colors, according to a new study by the University of Rochester.
So fellas, if you don’t want to lose your woman, you need to wear red. A university professor says so!
“We found that women view men in red as higher in status, more likely to make money and more likely to climb the social ladder,” says lead researcher Andrew Elliot, professor of psychology at the University of Rochester, in a university news release. “It is this high status judgment that leads to the attraction.”
You may think it’s because women think of guys wearing red as passionate or sensitive, but in fact it is because the color made men appear attractive and powerful, but it had no effect on whether a man was likable, kind or sociable.
The study was conducted on undergraduate men and women in the United States, the UK, China and Germany, and it was found that the “red effect” is consistent across cultures. This leads Elliot to believe the results to be biological in nature, and not culturally ingrained.
In the study, women were shown a series of photos of men in different colored tees and were asked about their interest in dating, kissing and more with the men in the pictures. No trend was found with any other color.
But then the guy who did the experiment does seem to have a fascination with the color red. He found in 2007 that red could impair the ability to perform competitively, and in 2008 that women in red were more attractive to men.
Well in theory he should be attracted to this blog then, shouldn’t he?
If you really want to stop a breakup happening, you must follow these three rules in order to keep your man and win back his love. Remember when you first started dating? What was it that your husband or boyfriend liked about you most? You must know – every couple has the “You know what I first liked about you” chat!
So what happened? Well, life did. Work, commitments, stress all took their toll, and before you know it you ended up taking each other for granted.
But if just one of you makes the effort initially, you can renew your tired relationship into a shiny new one again, because once you let him know how much you are still that gorgeous, playful happy girl he first fell in love with, then he won’t be able to help himself fall in love with you all over again.
First, you need to pay him attention. That often means laughing at his jokes. Yes, they may be lame! But he needs you to laugh at them. If he’s a natural clown, it’s often because making people laugh boosts his self esteem, so not laughing is like a slap in the face.
You’ll know his sense of humor like the back of your hand, so you could even try to predict what he’s going to say, as a way of making fun, but not in a nasty way; in a playful one. That is still paying him attention, so he’ll love it. But make sure you’re smiling, not rolling your eyes, at the time! Men can be just as emotional as women, but they often get angry instead of upset when they think you don’t care.
Secondly, be spontaneous! You must always have creative ideas of fun stuff to do. Write lists if you need to, and arrange fun days out. So many couples end up in a tired old relationship simply due to apathy. They’re too busy or unimaginative to stray from the normal humdrum of day to day life, and they literally become bored of each other.
Become an endless source of surprise and excitement, and he’ll pick up the habit too. He won’t realize it, but he’ll start to get competitive and want to be as creative or more creative than you. You’ll soon find yourself in a whirlwind romance again, because that’s how new couples always behave.
You don’t have to have kids to organize a treasure hunt, or a fancy dress party. Or photographic competitions with a different theme every week or month. And if you really use your imagination, you need not spend a lot of money either. You could play “Who am I” every Saturday. You don’t always need to have the Post-it note on the forehead when out on public, but you could if you don’t mind entertaining the people around you as well! (If you agree to this, he’ll think you’re a hoot!)
And the third thing you need to do to get back to a successful relationship is stay on top of personal maintenance. Be as attractive and as feminine as possible. This might sound fickle, but a lot of people ‘let themselves go’ once they’re in a relationship. It’s all done on a subconscious level, but when folks are single, they stay on top of looking as good as possible, then once they feel they’ve found someone, they stop trying.
But he’s probably let himself go too. You both may have put in weight due to all those take-outs, but if you start to make the effort, he will get the message, the same as with being spontaneous.
If you say stuff like “I’m working out because I can’t stand all this flab” he might get the message that you don’t like his flab either, without you having to insult him.
So don’t forget:
1. Pay him attention
2. Be playful and spontaneous
3. Be attractive and feminine
Used properly, these three tips can be very effective. Any one of these tactics will make a difference to your relationship, but when you combine all three, you’ve got dynamite!
But you have to put everything you’ve got into it. Don’t do half measures. You have to have a constantly positive attitude and always remember your goal, or he’ll see your heart’s not really in it.
Make sure you laugh and play every day, and if you turn heads by looking like a fox too, you’ll drive him crazy! He’ll be so proud to show you off, he’ll start to adore you again.
Sometimes human beings would rather be right, than be happy.
Without even knowing we are doing it, we are searching for the opportunity to say “See? I told you so!” or “You wouldn’t listen to me, would you?”
We are viewing the whole relationship as if it were a battlefield. We are working against each other, when we should be on the same side.
The other day, I asked Phil if he would help me with some gardening. My back was hurting and Phil had told me he would do it, and that I should do some writing, but it was a lovely day and I really wanted to clear the overgrown weeds that made up our mini jungle over the last couple of months.
Before our “shake-up” as I call it, Phil (or I, in the same position) would have sulked(!) and pointed out that it was inevitable I would hurt my back, and said one or both of those statements above.
But this time he just hugged me, rubbed my shoulders and took over the gardening without another word.
It was pointed out to us during our therapy that we often argue just for the sake of arguing, and that we need to recognize how to prevent arguments, even the little (seemingly harmless) trivial ones. No matter how tempting it is to point out to your partner that they are wrong and you are right, assess whether it will have a peaceful outcome. It rarely does!
I have to say Phil has remembered all this stuff a lot better than I have. I notice tons of these subtle differences all the time. Quite often when he could easily point out how I’m wrong and he’s right, he doesn’t bother. When it’s the other way round, I find myself starting to say something, then stopping myself mid-sentence, and Phil will wink at me knowingly!
We have both now been trained to ask ourselves “What will the outcome of my actions (or words) be?”
It’s a lot easier to settle for being happy than being right. So swallow your pride and give it a try!
One of my pet hates is sulking and sulkers. This didn’t, however, stop me from sulking, as Phil will attest. But he was a terrible sulker before we both educated ourselves.
Sulkers want you to know that you have upset them, but they don’t have the self-confidence to tell you exactly what it is that you have done wrong. They expect you to just know! So now you’re supposed to be able to read their mind.
Well, the chances are, if your partner is sulking, you won’t know what it is you have done because all the things you said to them made perfect sense in your head, and seemed perfectly fair at the time.
So how do we put a stop to sulking?
We can ensure we don’t sulk ourselves, by being honest with our partner and having confidence to tell them when we are upset and why (without blaming though, remember!)
To stop your partner sulking is really quite easy. You don’t ask them or tell them to stop sulking. You do something much more clever.
As soon as you discover they are sulking, you must sincerely ask; “Have I done something to upset you?”
If they say “Yes” and explain what – great! But quite often they will lie and say “No” if they still don’t feel confident enough to tackle the problem.
In which case you must say “Oh, that’s OK then. I just thought I’d upset you because your breathing (or whatever) sounded like you were angry”.
If they still don’t want to tackle the problem, in most cases, they will feel they have to stop sulking, as they would now appear to be a liar if they continued. Your honesty and courtesy might even persuade them to be honest with you in return. Result!
But if they still continue sulking, don’t give them eye contact at all, and only give short, polite responses to them. Don’t ignore them completely, because then you are being as silly as they are. Remain civilized but make it clear you don’t tolerate them sulking.
To ensure you don’t appear too ignorant, you must busy yourself with something totally unrelated. Unless they are not very bright, they will know that you are doing this deliberately. But in fairness, you did give them the opportunity to sort things out; they can’t blame you for not tolerating sulking after being so reasonable.
If you use this tactic and avoid a conversation without being honest with them first, however, they will get angry and start slamming doors because they will think you have not noticed they are sulking! This will just make things worse. You must be upfront first.
Sulking is very childish behavior, and is the result of being emotionally immature. I guarantee you won’t need to do the above exercise more than twice for the message to sink in. Once you behave in a mature and reasonable way in response to sulking, your partner will stop being The Incredible Sulk!
If you liked this tip, we have plenty more in our free Stop That Breakup 7 Day Course – just sign up over on the right or clickHere.
One amazingly powerful way to stop a breakup is when you focus all your energy on something other than your relationship, and your partner lives through it with you. When was the last time you were really challenged? I don’t mean in a discussion or argument, but in a real adventure or upheaval in your life.
Perhaps it was a sporting event that you had to put all your physical and mental energy into. How about training for running a marathon? Because it is something constructive, your partner would have to be incredibly selfish if they did not support you in something like this.
Perhaps you suffered in some way, and fought to get out of a bad situation. I will never look at adversity as bad luck ever again. Why? Because something happened to us that we thought was one of the cruelest blows of bad luck imaginable. We never would have believed we could survive it and even one day be thankful that it had happened. But we did.
When adversity hits, don’t crumble under the pressure. Think of it as your turn to be tested and an opportunity to prove you can come through it. If you and your partner go through the bad times together and support each other, your bond will grow stronger than ever, because you will learn things about yourselves and each other that you never imagined were possible.